By Eugenie Buys
(This is not the verdict or opinions of an expert. I am just a mother, and I write about topics that I have experienced myself. Every baby and every mother is different, but maybe you can relate today.)
Mornings in my house are chaotic. It doesn’t matter how much I prepare the night before, every morning comes with a treat of something unplanned that pops up. Everyone is hungry (the people and the dogs) and dressing a toddler before school is like wrestling with an octopus (that’s why I don’t gym not because i wrestle)
Mothers’ cognitive load (the English term used quite often today is “mental load”) is enormous. Whether you are a working mother or stay at home with your children, your brain just doesn’t get a break, because from the moment the sun comes up there are things you have to remember and take into account: What is everyone eating? And if there are allergies, more specifically, what doesn’t everyone eat? Is he dressed warmly enough? What activities will she be doing and what extra clothes should I pack for them? What if the clothes get dirty or wet? Are there enough diapers? Are there enough bottles? Are my own teeth brushed before I go out the door? Is my child in a good school? Did I remember my aunt’s birthday? All this before 10 o’clock in the morning.
Life is such a rush and the burden becomes heavy. Yes, we ourselves chose to be working mothers (by the way, why is a mother who works a working mother, but a father who does the same is just a father?) or we ourselves chose to stay at home with our children . Every choice comes with its own consequences and blessings, but life is full and the day is full and your brain is full, and when you hope for a break, you feel guilty or like a bad mother.
Then we come to the father. It is more generally accepted that the father is the breadwinner and that his focus should be on work and looking after his family financially. It is more acceptable that he is tired after a long day’s work and needs time to rest a bit. Don’t get me wrong, in today’s day and age there are far more fathers involved and helping out than there were in previous generations. The work and family life culture is also emphasized more at workplaces, because well-being has become such a big focus for employees. But, any mother will tell you that a father is not even aware of half of the things that go on in her head and that she has to think about and remember. And let’s be honest, some days we blame them for it (not necessarily out loud, but in our tired insides).
My husband is a teacher and has to be at school early and, contrary to popular belief, it is not just a half-day job and he comes home many nights after bed because of sporting events. This morning, between bottles, suitcases, lunch boxes, jackets and medicine, I come around the corner and find my husband and my little boy together on the sofa, browsing a book together. My first reaction was: “You’re going to be late, and why don’t you HELP me by dressing him instead?”. His answer was: “I’m seeing him this morning for half an hour in 24 hours, I just want to sit with him for a bit” and that made me stop. A father cannot be a mother, he does not necessarily have the capacity to hold as many things in his head as I do. A father cannot be a mother, he does not necessarily think three days ahead about everything that needs to be done. A father cannot be a mother, and perhaps we should stop expecting them to be like us. A father cannot be a mother, but he can be there, and maybe we should allow them to be there. To dress the children even if the shirt, trousers and shoes do not match at all. To pack the bag and forget something and have to make a plan. To sit on the couch and read a book while you do everything else, because that’s what they’ll remember: My daddy was there, he dressed me funny, he brought my bag and he read a book with me.
And perhaps, if the burden becomes heavy, we should ask them because a father is not a mother and does not necessarily think about it.
*In this case “a mother” refers to the primary caregiver, whether it is a mother, father, grandmother or any other person who takes care of everything that comes with having a child.
